Chances are someone you know – your mother, sister, friend, coworker or neighbor – is a victim of domestic violence. While you may think the problem will work itself out, this is extremely unlikely. Violence in relationships usually continues and often gets worse over time if no action is taken to stop it. The resources on this page are designed to show you how to help a friend or family member, respond to children living in abusive homes, and respond to perpetrators. We also invite you to reconsider some of the thoughts that might prevent you from helping a friend or family member. The more you know, the easier it is to lend a hand and help break the silence.

• Lend a listening ear. Tell your friend or family member that you care and are willing to listen. Don’t force the issue, but allow her to confide in you at her own pace. Let her know she is not alone and people are available to help her. Never blame her for what is happening or underestimate her fear of potential danger. Focus on supporting her right to make her own decisions.
   
• Become informed. Find out all the facts you can about domestic violence. Call the Virginia Family Violence and Sexual Assault Hotline at 1.800.838.8238 (v/tty) or visit the Virginians Against Domestic Violence Web site at
  www.vsdvalliance.org for more information.
   
• Guide her to community services. Gather information about domestic violence programs in your area. These programs offer safety, advocacy, support, legal information and other needed services. If your friend or family member asks for advice on what she should do, share the information you’ve gathered with her privately. Encourage her to seek the assistance of domestic violence advocates and assure her that they will keep her information confidential. Many battered women first seek the advice of marriage counselors, psychiatrists or members of the clergy. However, not all helping professionals are fully aware of the special circumstances of domestic violence. If the first person she contacts is not helpful, encourage her to look elsewhere. A good first place to call is the Virginia Family Violence and Sexual Assault Hotline at 1.800.838.8238 (v/tty).
   
• Focus on her strengths. Your friend or family member is probably continually told by the abuser that she is a bad woman, a bad wife, or a bad mother. She may believe she can’t do anything right and that there really is something wrong with her. Give her emotional support to believe she is a good person. Help her examine her strengths and skills. Emphasize that she deserves a life that is free from violence.
   
• If she decides to leave, help your friend or family member make a plan to be safe. She may want to call a local domestic violence hotline. Domestic violence programs can help her look at her options and make a plan to be as safe as possible. Battered women usually face the greatest risk when they try to leave their abusive relationships. If the batterer feels he has lost control, he may become very dangerous.
   
• Help her find a safe place. If your friend or family member decides to leave, a domestic violence shelter may be the safest place to go. Unfortunately shelters sometimes don’t have enough room for all the women and children who need their help. Your friend or family member may need to rely on family and friends for temporary housing.

Common emotional reactions of children to domestic violence:

• Blaming themselves. A typical statement is: “If I had just been a good boy or girl. . .”
   
• Being constantly anxious and/or afraid in anticipation of the next abusive incident.
   
• Feeling guilty, thinking they should have been able to prevent the violence.
   
• If the mother leaves the abuser, the children may grieve over the “loss” of that parent and even the lifestyle they formerly lived.
   
• Confusion. Children may not know how they feel or have two opposite emotions at the same time. They may love the abuser but hate what he is doing to their mom.
   
• Believing that violence is an inevitable or acceptable part of a relationship.
   
• If they have been separated from one of their parents because of the violent acts, they may be fearful that the other parent will also leave or die.
   
• Needing intense adult attention to minimize their fears. Without this attention, they may act out.
   
• Difficulty trusting or forming relationships.
   
• Becoming violent at school or in the community, OR becoming overly passive and eager to please any adult.
   
• Feel overwhelmed by their inability to stop the violence. Children may become depressed or suicidal.

Positive influences can help children overcome the negative effects of living with violence. Here are some ideas for concerned adults:

• Allow children to talk about the violence. Listen to their feelings without judging.
   
• Make sure children understand that the fighting is not their fault.
   
• Encourage children to stay out of fights between adults, and make sure they know how to call 911.
   
• Be a role model. Show by your example that there is a better way to solve problems than by violence.
   
• Hold violent adults accountable for their behavior and its impact on their children.
   
• Teach cooperation and respect in children’s relationships with other children. Discourage fighting and teasing.
   
• Try to help establish a predictable daily routine.1Create opportunities for age-appropriate fun.
   
• Watch and listen closely for signs that a child is being directly abused. Be prepared to respond.
   
• Devise a code word so that children can let trusted adults know when they need help, without alerting the abuser.
   
• Find additional support for children. Most Domestic Violence Programs offer counseling or support groups for children who have witnessed or experienced violence. Teachers, relatives, and others can also be helpful. As many as 10 million children witness domestic violence each year. Child abuse is 15 times more likely to occur in families where there is domestic violence. Violence in the home affects children whether or not they are abused directly.

• Health and peace cannot be restored to a violent relationship unless the abusive person takes responsibility for the abuse and changes his or her behavior. Friends, family members, faith communities, and other concerned members of the community can encourage this process by holding batterers completely responsible for their behavior. The following information may help increase understanding of battering and the potential for change:
  
  About batterers:

• Battering is a learned patterned behavior; it is not an impulse or an instinct that can not be controlled. Batterers often say they are “out of control,” but really they are being controlling.1Using violence to control someone else – whether it is physical, emotional, or sexual –
  is always a choice that a person makes.

• Batterers need to take responsibility for the choice they make in their own behavior.

• There is no excuse for using violence.

• Violent behavior is learned from and supported by our society that often believes “might makes right.”

• Although praying can be an effective healing modality, it may not change behavior. It may also support the batterer’s position that the victim is not capable of doing anything for herself.
   
• Couple’s counseling is inappropriate for violent relationships. Couple’s counseling works to support both individuals in their growth process, but in a domestic violence relationship there is a power imbalance. Victims are unlikely to feel safe speaking openly with the batterer present, and they may be “punished” later for what they do reveal. Couple’s counseling is also unlikely to teach batterers that they are responsible for their abusive actions regardless of relationship problems or external forces.
   
• Couple’s counseling may be appropriate after the batterer has attended a Batterer Intervention Program and violence has completely ceased.

Intervention

Batterers Intervention Programs (BIPs) attempt to change battering behavior by educating batterers about the choices that they make and by holding batterers accountable for their choices. The goal of these programs is to end the use of violent behavior. Priority is given to maintaining victim safety. Certified BIPs work in collaboration with other community agencies such as Domestic Violence Programs, law enforcement and the criminal justice system. Unlike anger management programs, BIPs do not work under the assumption that managing anger will end violent behavior. Battering behavior is a learned and chosen behavior that is illegal and inexcusable, used to control another’s behavior. It is not simply a response to being angry. Therefore, BIPs are longer than anger management programs and include additional elements, such as fees, to hold batterers accountable. To find the BIP nearest you, call your local Domestic Violence Program or the Virginia Family Violence and Sexual Assault Hotline (1.800.838.8238 v/tty).